A change in the weather...

Alone, I consider myself to be a light drizzle. Just enough to make  flora and fauna green and nourish the soil, wash away the dust and make things seem new again. Just enough to make the roads slick but you can't seem to find the right fucking speed on your windshield wipers for the moisture...it's either too slow to keep the windshield clear or too annoyingly fast and you hear that god damn scrape across the glass.

I've been out of a serious long-term relationship for about 9 months now and the questions have started...

"What are you looking for?"

"Have you met someone?"

"Can I find you a guy?"

"Why don't you date someone from work?"

When people ask me what I'm looking for, it's hard to put into words. First, because I don't think I'm looking, at least it's not at the top of my list.  I think I'm still recovering from the last relationship. It became very tumultuous...which is a nice way to say it was a living hell. It didn't start that way of course. This light drizzle of a woman had found someone that made her pour  from the heavens above.  He was strong, creative, fun, rough around the edges, loved nature, sexy as hell and he brought out things in me that I didn't know existed. For that, I am thankful. I'm not the shy, naive woman I used to be. I know what I can do for a man and I know what I like from a man. 

About three years into the relationship, we had to move to a bigger place and we ended up in his old stomping grounds. Back to the place he grew up and knew everyone...all the "connects" he had when he was using.  He went into addiction and I went into depression. He turned into a monster, a true Jekyll and Hyde. I never knew what I was going to come home to.  I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that came close to physical abuse a few times. I was manipulated, called horrible names daily, controlled and in a state of confusion I had never known before. I've heard it said that emotional and verbal abuse can be  or is worse than physical violence. I don't know that first hand but I can tell you, that I'm glad I never found out because emotional abuse is enough to destroy you. 

During the three years of abuse, and I say abuse because it was anything but a relationship, I drifted in and out of myself. Some days, it was beautiful, others it was anything but. The love I had for him and I thought we had for each other was passionate, crazy, alive and destructive. So destructive that I lost who I was. I'm getting her back now, day by day but what am I looking for? What do I want? Fuck...I don't know...but here's what I do know...

Today, I came across a quote...

"I stopped chasing rainbows when I found you in the storm."

I realized, I'm still looking for that storm. Maybe not the same storm that I had with him, but I am looking for that passion in life and love. I tried chasing rainbows again, because let's face it, I"m a dreamer. I like unicorns, mermaids, fairy tales and rainbows...but it just wasn't it. Kind and fluffy, romantic and 'nice'...That's what I am, I don't want to be with someone that is like that. I want  a fireball, rough, real, not the cookie cutter romantic bull shit...yes, I'm sorry, romantic b u l l s h i t...I just don't like it. It might seem like it because I come across as a romantic or a dreamer and that's what we are supposed to want, but no. I want grit, clever, intelligence, rough edges, dark, and passion. Don't be put together, don't be normal, don't fit in...

I want a storm that will rise and make me forget that I am here to be the nourishment of life. I want a love that is so destructive that others look at it and wonder if that passion will ever fade. They will question whether or not those two souls will ever see the break of day again outside of each other's eyes.

I want a change in the weather...

Weather Forecast

We could be the torrential
downpour out of season.
Quenching a drought with
our freedom.

A storm arriving within
nature's beast. Chaotic
rivers rise as our tempest
rages catastrophic.

Leaving nothing behind but
mudslides on the cliffs, if the
clouds would open and let
our thunder persist.

We are not a single drop
but a pouring implicit upon
destruction. Two soul's
divergence washing soil
deficient.

Let the dark clouds gather,
making them forget there was
ever a sun. Our love purging
from heaven a tempest out of
season.

The thing is...

Storms don't last forever...

but then again, neither do rainbows.