Afraid

Of what? Fucking everything and myself, most of all.

I put too much thought into everything. I can see a situation for what it is and I'll accept it, even live it, knowing, seeing ... It's just not gonna work.

I also put too much thought into what others might think of me. Sure, everyone does. I get taken back every time that someone thinks I am good, strong, lovable. I kinda believe that about myself. But for some damn reason, when it falls to shit, my vision is skewed. It's me. It's me that I blame.

I wasn't good enough. I fucked it up. 
I was too melancholy. 
Too eager. 
Too quiet. 
Too normal.
Too smart.
Too fat.
Too ugly.
Too different.

I was too fucking not right.

Why the fuck do I think this way? And why the hell does it take so little to flip that trigger? There are answers in self worth, confidence, blah fucking blah, I know and have heard them all. I'm not looking for answers I just want to rant.

Didn't think I'd share this one because I cried the whole time I wrote it. It's cryptic and meant to be a bit that way. With the wealth of the prologue, I'm sure it's clearer now...

Afraid

There's three
Heart, mind and body

Four valves beating true
Divisible by half
Two sides working through
All I'll ever have

Minus one
Cutting to the quick
One shell they bleed from
Pretty face, soft lips

Afraid of the look 
upon your face
From visions mistook
I'll fall with disgrace.

He's 20 today

"Write clear and hard about what hurts." Ernest Hemingway

I met the him when he was 6 years old. Full of energy, wanted to pull me into every activity. I was just the girlfriend of his uncle at the time but the spark in that kid touched me way back then.

Through twists and turns, I ended up the girlfriend of his dad when the kid turned 12. Never having kids of my own, (because I know what causes that and it's not in the water), I loved him like he was my own. I was lucky enough to take him to school, lucky enough to see him graduate high school, lucky enough to become a friend, lucky enough to have him confide in me. I wanted to show him, this is what a real woman is, because let's face it, his dad's taste in women through the years was less than desirable.

She cares, she doesn't manipulate.

She talks, she doesn't yell.

She works hard, she doesn't expect handouts.

She loves, not for her own gain, but just simply for the fact that she loves you for who you are.

She's there, she doesn't disappear.

When his dad and I split, I lost a family. A fucked up family albeit, with the kid being the only light left.

He stood between his dad and me when things got of control a few times. Willing to take it to blows if he thought his dad was going to physically hurt me. Sometimes I think that's the only reason I didn't get hit during that relationship. His son would never forgive him if he did.

Today, the kid turns 20. First birthday in 7 years I haven't celebrated with him.

And I miss him.

And it hurts.

I want only and all good things for him. He's got so much potential. So much good in his heart.

It's not hard to draw the line on where relationships end but when does family stop being family?

I kinda think it never stops...not in my heart. At least that's what it's screaming today.

A change in the weather...

Alone, I consider myself to be a light drizzle. Just enough to make  flora and fauna green and nourish the soil, wash away the dust and make things seem new again. Just enough to make the roads slick but you can't seem to find the right fucking speed on your windshield wipers for the moisture...it's either too slow to keep the windshield clear or too annoyingly fast and you hear that god damn scrape across the glass.

I've been out of a serious long-term relationship for about 9 months now and the questions have started...

"What are you looking for?"

"Have you met someone?"

"Can I find you a guy?"

"Why don't you date someone from work?"

When people ask me what I'm looking for, it's hard to put into words. First, because I don't think I'm looking, at least it's not at the top of my list.  I think I'm still recovering from the last relationship. It became very tumultuous...which is a nice way to say it was a living hell. It didn't start that way of course. This light drizzle of a woman had found someone that made her pour  from the heavens above.  He was strong, creative, fun, rough around the edges, loved nature, sexy as hell and he brought out things in me that I didn't know existed. For that, I am thankful. I'm not the shy, naive woman I used to be. I know what I can do for a man and I know what I like from a man. 

About three years into the relationship, we had to move to a bigger place and we ended up in his old stomping grounds. Back to the place he grew up and knew everyone...all the "connects" he had when he was using.  He went into addiction and I went into depression. He turned into a monster, a true Jekyll and Hyde. I never knew what I was going to come home to.  I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that came close to physical abuse a few times. I was manipulated, called horrible names daily, controlled and in a state of confusion I had never known before. I've heard it said that emotional and verbal abuse can be  or is worse than physical violence. I don't know that first hand but I can tell you, that I'm glad I never found out because emotional abuse is enough to destroy you. 

During the three years of abuse, and I say abuse because it was anything but a relationship, I drifted in and out of myself. Some days, it was beautiful, others it was anything but. The love I had for him and I thought we had for each other was passionate, crazy, alive and destructive. So destructive that I lost who I was. I'm getting her back now, day by day but what am I looking for? What do I want? Fuck...I don't know...but here's what I do know...

Today, I came across a quote...

"I stopped chasing rainbows when I found you in the storm."

I realized, I'm still looking for that storm. Maybe not the same storm that I had with him, but I am looking for that passion in life and love. I tried chasing rainbows again, because let's face it, I"m a dreamer. I like unicorns, mermaids, fairy tales and rainbows...but it just wasn't it. Kind and fluffy, romantic and 'nice'...That's what I am, I don't want to be with someone that is like that. I want  a fireball, rough, real, not the cookie cutter romantic bull shit...yes, I'm sorry, romantic b u l l s h i t...I just don't like it. It might seem like it because I come across as a romantic or a dreamer and that's what we are supposed to want, but no. I want grit, clever, intelligence, rough edges, dark, and passion. Don't be put together, don't be normal, don't fit in...

I want a storm that will rise and make me forget that I am here to be the nourishment of life. I want a love that is so destructive that others look at it and wonder if that passion will ever fade. They will question whether or not those two souls will ever see the break of day again outside of each other's eyes.

I want a change in the weather...

Weather Forecast

We could be the torrential
downpour out of season.
Quenching a drought with
our freedom.

A storm arriving within
nature's beast. Chaotic
rivers rise as our tempest
rages catastrophic.

Leaving nothing behind but
mudslides on the cliffs, if the
clouds would open and let
our thunder persist.

We are not a single drop
but a pouring implicit upon
destruction. Two soul's
divergence washing soil
deficient.

Let the dark clouds gather,
making them forget there was
ever a sun. Our love purging
from heaven a tempest out of
season.

The thing is...

Storms don't last forever...

but then again, neither do rainbows. 

Are you happy?

Such a simple question. Are you happy?

Of all life's questions, this could be the most important. I know that some say happiness is just an emotion and really, the goal should be contentment but this question...are you happy?...brought out some damn emotion this morning.

People say it in different ways. There are a few that fish for the answer. Dropping a line to say "hope you are doing well" or "I hope you're happy," wishing for a reply that confirms or denies the premise depending on their motivation.

Sometimes, it's just another question that springs up when rummaging through memories of souls that have passed through your life. Their presence is no longer what it used to be but you ask them in your head from what you used to know of them, "are you happy?" Gosh, I hope so, because you were important to me and you deserve to be.

And then, the hardest person to ask is yourself. "Beth, are you happy?" And this morning, that's when the tears flowed. Streaming through feelings and thoughts, lost in the joy and sorrow, how do I answer such a fucking loaded question?

I should be. I've got a great job that allows me to challenge myself everyday, learn, lead and teach. It affords me the freedom to indulge in hobbies and I can live well because of it.

Kinda. There's some things are bothering me but it's all good. Some of it is under my control and there's some things I just need to let go. It'll work itself out. Just need a little more time to see things clearly and then it'll be all good.

No, I'm not. There's this hole that seems to be consuming me and I can't see the way out. Every morning I wake up, I still cry. I try not to dwell on it for very long. I look up out of the hole hoping to catch a glimpse of clouds in the sky, see the sunrise. I listen for the faint singing of birds. Grasping on the roots to climb up a little higher out of this never ending hole.

Yes, I am.
Happy that I'm not who I was before. Happy that my life is not the living hell it was just a short time ago.
Happy that I am surrounded by a loving, supporting list of folks that I call family and friends.
Happy that I can embrace all of my answers to this simple little question and know that there's nothing inherently wrong with me.

I'm just another soul on life's fucked up glorious journey.

Are you happy?

transgressions of me

Arising from a few conversations yesterday...

The church girl in me just can't get away from the theme of religion even if I've escaped from the belief system.

Bits and phrases stolen or borrowed from a few. I'll ask for forgiveness now...

How do you see
the transgressions of me?
Is it missing the mark?
Or is it just a spark
to a flame ignited
which society blighted?
Should we adjust our aim
to avoid the mark of Cain?
What do you call
the depraved downfall
of man, I wonder?
Let no man put asunder
that which she atoned.
Willing to be stoned
for her burdened beliefs.
Not much more than deceit
This fear institutionalized.
My free will rationalized
has no negative connotation
but a glorious revelation
to have all that is within
be labeled as a sin...

A petal-less flower

I was destroyed. In an abusive relationship with nothing left of myself. It took all that I had to keep my work life going and finish my degree. After that, the only thing I took joy in was a flower garden in my front yard. I enjoyed them and took many pictures of them. I was capturing the only beauty left within my sight.

I had one good friend that knew the whole of my situation. He told me one day that I was a flower with no petals. I collapsed crying because he was right...I remember it to this day.

I finally know why my petals disappeared. It was in the madness of day to day living with someone I deeply loved but treated me so horribly. Each petal was stripped away in the cycle of emotional abuse...

 a petal-less flower

She had become
a flower without petals.
A form once beautiful
as prized precious metal.

Void of gifts to 
bee’s and butterfly’s rest
no longer sharing her
nectar within their breast.

Where had the spring lost her bloom?
Was it entrapped forever in winter's tomb?

Dropped to the earthen floor in silent waste.
Color dying in abandoned haste.

Was it natural selection
leaving her only a stem
a single stamen left...
standing condemned?

All she offered stripped
wistfully stolen in despair.
Plucked away in wishes
all her splendor bare...

"he loves me...

          he loves me not...

he loves me...

          he loves me not..."

                   a petal-less flower love wrought...

© Evelyn Elizabeth 2015

...the beat in our chest

It's not an awful thing to be labeled as a dreamer. I walk among the clouds in great strides and slip through the holes in the ceiling daily...

For here is where we glide,
dreaming above all strife.
Endangered dichotomy mixed
with love and angst transfix
on knowing above all else
the poignant search of self.

"Lost souls" they call us,
feverishly seeking for what
beckons our heart's name,
an illusion of undying flame.
Guiding a twisted, aged path
we celebrate love's hopeful wrath.

Awakening to a soul's kiss
dreams beget beautiful bliss.
A moniker proudly written
for kindred souls desperately driven,
forever in the journey of a quest,

true...

soley...

...to the beat in our chest.

Matriarchs of Michigan

So apparently it's women's day today. Many posts celebrating accomplishments untold of the female of the species. I'm not quite a feminist, no bra burning here, but I do believe a woman's strength and weakness is taught through the generations.

I see myself as the combination of my grandma and my mom. We hail from Michigan so I often refer to them as the matriarchs of Michigan. Paula Cole's Nietzsche's Eyes has a verse that resonates with me and what they have taught me...

"Grandmother, mother, and now I see it in myself
I take on the water
until the dam threatens to break
I became a little doll
My voice became too small"

Today, and every day, not just on "women's day," the lessons they have given me are held close to my heart and are the stuff my soul is made of...

love's evolution

mother,
daughter,
granddaughter
alive in the shadow.

sing
praises
undeniable
becomes all hallowed

lament
struggle
isolating
through unearned sacrifice

rising
living
limitlessly
create personal paradise

laughter
teaching
compassion
soaring to a pinnacle

grace
strength
independence
floats a mast unsinkable

above
stern-hand
boundaries
sailing through illusion

mother
daughter
granddaughter...

forever a Love's evolution

The clarity we seek

I can tell you this...

Decisions and feelings made in haste can give you a bad mindset. Sometimes all you need is a little time to gain the clarity you seek.

My poetry always has a spiritual tone to it because I guess those church girl days never really left me. We aren't soulless creatures by any means, but this definitely isn't about any god...more about the deity your own mind.

The clarity we seek

She fades away
Heart less than shining
Measured back timing
A gold dust in the fray

A mind cannot fathom
Stop all wondering
Willfully the plundering
Of all you imagine

......Parts of me here
Less of me there......

How two exist coherently
Of a body unshrouded
This piece scoured
The gift of transparency

A veiled temple of praise
Your own narcissism
Sinful of its glorism
Boastful sermon in a blaze

......Parts of me here
Less of me there......

Mind in a bright shadow
Of a life lived in history
Amaze made mystery
Gratefully and thoughtfully shallow.

There's clarity in cascading
Coyness in beautiful creation
Perpetual in persuasion
Into the gray she's fading

......Parts of me here
Less of me there......

In her silence humbled
By a god in his own right
Shunned hideous, he smites
Down troddenly tumbled

To see above the glare
After you disappear

......Parts of me here
Less of me there......

High so high...continued

Yes. I smoke out. Yes. It frees my head. Yes. I write shit that makes sense at the time but fuck if I know what it means...

Slide straight line
Slight right
Form to design

Stretch long line
Bring to me
Direct shine

......

Shapes weaving
Curves dance
Rising, heaving
Blown about......

Breathe in

...........  ......... . ...   .....    ...Breathe out

Not enough

About three years ago, my life turned to a living hell. My fiance was in raging drug addiction and it wasn't how the relationship started. He turned into this monster that I didn't recognize but still loved.

I know that I've always had some sort of depression looming in my life. When I was a teenager I would fantasize about ways to kill myself. Trace cuts across my wrists. Thinking that it wouldn't really matter, no one would miss me and the loneliness would come to an end.

When the hell started, I spiralled to depression quickly. I was surrounded by addicts. I just didn't want to be here anymore. Knowing there were some pills scattered in the dresser drawers, I gathered all of the little blue xanax I could find.

Seven of them.

I took them. He came in and could tell I was off. He screamed at me. It woke me up slightly and I made a phone call to a therapy group to make an appointment...and then I passed out. He didn't call 911. In fact when I was on the phone, he screamed at me to hang up because if the cops showed up, he would kill me. I screamed back in sobbing tears, "it's for me. I'm calling for me..."

It's not sadness
   But raging madness
                   In the mind.
Clarity to all that binds
     This life together in
             What has been
         Nightmare reality,
Living duality.

                   1 to dull the pain.
2 hope for perspective gain.

It's not screams 
        But dead dreams
                   In a broken
Heart. Love unspoken
      In bright metaphor
  Trampled to the floor.
             Spirit's demise,
Lifeless cries.

                          3 just take it.
4 you're not gonna make it.

It's not love
But a simple white dove
                        Ascending
                Hate unending.
          This life no longer
           Worth to conquer.
                    Soul's waste,
Decisions in haste.

                      5 go numb.
6 eternal rest succumb.

It's not selfish
But escape from the hellish
                      Fits of tantrum.
                          Left abandon
                           To live alone
                Light never shown.
                   Attended her will,
Contested by a pill.

         7 should do it.
End to a lifeless pit.

It wasn't death
                But only tortured rest
                                 That arrived,
The day she no longer thrived.
                       Gray turned black
                   Off the beaten track
               From where she came
Desperately dousing the flame.

Life got fucked up...
But 1 through 7 were not enough.

The question

I was asked by someone "how do I make my way into your heart?" The question hit me like a ton of bricks for many reasons. One, he wanted in. Two, I wasn't sure how to answer. Three, I had gone down a path I wasn't nearly ready for.

I was honest and said that I couldn't answer. That I was in tears because of a seemingly simple question that I thought every woman should know how to answer. I wasn't ready.

The next morning, I woke to comments and hurt from the same person who asked the question. This was my reply...

Not to be swayed,
By gusts and sand dust.
Air ever breathing
Fly she must

To survive a life
From the cocoon.
She left behind
Willingly, all to soon.

Do you see her wings?
Fragile and new
Delicately intricate
And prized by so few.

Being

I'd like to say that I'm not bothered by people,and by people, I mean men, that love my mind but won't entertain the thoughts because of the skin it lives in...

But that would be a lie.

It's a hell of a shell
This brain lives in.
Continuity flowing 
Figure meets dim.

Eyes once glitter to
Spark wet matches.
A mind blowing but
Body with it clashes.

With every ounce
Of being flesh,
Pride swallowed whole,
Mind and body enmesh.

A distorted picture of
What was meant to be,
Thoughts and pictures
Closer to mere fantasy.

An untouched boiling 
Warmth grows hot.
A flash in the pan,
For this is all I've got.

Worth the exploring, 
To entertain a whim.
It's a hell of a shell
This brain lives in.

Few spaces

So few earthly spaces 
Untouched by the human brand.
Industry and community
Instituted by "god's" hand.

Withering away in decadence
We strive to only decay.
Ignorance of her liveliness
We consistently betray.

All that she gives us
With each new sunrise,
The soul's switch off
Abandon glory in a hushed surprise.

Dwindling down resources
So that we might thrive.
Selfish life forces,
A death to our tribe.

Let her be untouched
And shine in her graces.
Capture her radiance now
Before death to the spaces

High so high...

Elusive dreaming
By starstruck streaming.
A mind's gleaning
Her heart's meaning.
Paths weaving
To an end leaving
Open pleading
To a soul seeding.
A veil sheeting
This search, fleeting
My eyes seeking.
Her tongue speaking
A mystery greeting
To all life's breath beating.