Not enough

About three years ago, my life turned to a living hell. My fiance was in raging drug addiction and it wasn't how the relationship started. He turned into this monster that I didn't recognize but still loved.

I know that I've always had some sort of depression looming in my life. When I was a teenager I would fantasize about ways to kill myself. Trace cuts across my wrists. Thinking that it wouldn't really matter, no one would miss me and the loneliness would come to an end.

When the hell started, I spiralled to depression quickly. I was surrounded by addicts. I just didn't want to be here anymore. Knowing there were some pills scattered in the dresser drawers, I gathered all of the little blue xanax I could find.

Seven of them.

I took them. He came in and could tell I was off. He screamed at me. It woke me up slightly and I made a phone call to a therapy group to make an appointment...and then I passed out. He didn't call 911. In fact when I was on the phone, he screamed at me to hang up because if the cops showed up, he would kill me. I screamed back in sobbing tears, "it's for me. I'm calling for me..."

It's not sadness
   But raging madness
                   In the mind.
Clarity to all that binds
     This life together in
             What has been
         Nightmare reality,
Living duality.

                   1 to dull the pain.
2 hope for perspective gain.

It's not screams 
        But dead dreams
                   In a broken
Heart. Love unspoken
      In bright metaphor
  Trampled to the floor.
             Spirit's demise,
Lifeless cries.

                          3 just take it.
4 you're not gonna make it.

It's not love
But a simple white dove
                        Ascending
                Hate unending.
          This life no longer
           Worth to conquer.
                    Soul's waste,
Decisions in haste.

                      5 go numb.
6 eternal rest succumb.

It's not selfish
But escape from the hellish
                      Fits of tantrum.
                          Left abandon
                           To live alone
                Light never shown.
                   Attended her will,
Contested by a pill.

         7 should do it.
End to a lifeless pit.

It wasn't death
                But only tortured rest
                                 That arrived,
The day she no longer thrived.
                       Gray turned black
                   Off the beaten track
               From where she came
Desperately dousing the flame.

Life got fucked up...
But 1 through 7 were not enough.